Cover Letter for ‘Senior Criminal Conspirator’

A veteran criminal, Rowdy Rathore, emboldened by the recent acts of hooliganism by the ‘Goonda Party’, applies for the post of ‘Senior Criminal Conspirator’. Read to know how to write a cover letter.

Crime

Namastey, Asalam Walekum, Sat Sri Akaal Saab,

My heartiest congratulations on your recent act of goondaism in our Parliament. Boleh toh, the incident of hurling files at our Speaker while your stooges danced obscenely on the desks like baboons just set free. What better way to waste our precious tax-payer’s money than by destroying public property?

Comment: Unlike our ignorant Rowdy Rathore, who believes in pandering to religious sentiments to score with the reader, always begin with your letter with ‘Respected/Dear Mr. XYZ (name of the recipient). By writing his/her name in the introductory line, instead of the antiquated ‘To Whom it May Concern’, you can catch the attention of the recruiter. It also ensures that you are not sending bulk mails to multiple organizations. In case you are unaware of the name, begin with a simple ‘Respected/Dear Sir/Ma’am’.

Arey, in my enthusiasm, I forgot to introduce myself to you. My name is Rowdy Rathore and I stay in the hinterland of Uttar Pradesh. My bungalow in Meerut serves as a refuge to history-sheeters, absconders, politicians and the like. It also hosts a compact arsenal of mid-range rifles, desi revolvers and pistols. I, along with my father, own an illegal liquor-selling business that operates across the state. Did I mention I have a dozen criminal cases of rioting, murder and kidnapping against me?

Comment: The purpose of writing a cover letter is to apprise the organization of yourself and who you are. Describe yourself in terms of your achievements, abilities and aptitude. A SWOT test may come handy. Also write on how you perfectly match their requirements. Remember to not include extraneous information or sound boastful. Recruiters are not interested in knowing your hobby, height, weight or favourite colour. Our Rowdy Rathore is a seasoned criminal with political connections and is armed with a lethal cache of weapons—exactly what the Goonda Party wants.

Your political party, the ‘Goonda Party’, is a famous political (read: criminal) organization. Goonda Party comprises a diverse combination of prejudiced vandals and rioters. I have long been an admirer of your tactics of fanning communal hatred by pitting one religious denomination against the other. You have earned the respect of a large number of convicts in the criminal circle by resorting to novel methods of burning busses. Maan gaye saab, you have outwitted us too recently.

Comment: Always ensure that you know about the organization applied for. It’s always good to check their website for their area of expertise, recent achievements, future projects, etc. It makes the organization believe that the cover letter has been drafted specifically for them. It also shows that you are genuinely interested in applying. Rowdy Rathore is well versed with his recruiter’s tactics and manoeuvres. He is all praises for them.

I am writing to you with reference to your recent advertisement inviting applications for the post of ‘Senior Criminal Conspirator’ in the ‘Public Affray’ department. As stated before, I am a reputed liquor baron in my state. Due to strong political connections, we have successfully been able to command police officers to dance to our tune. The public too is terrified to speak against us.

Comment: Your letter should always begin with explaining the purpose of your application. Recruiters receive tonnes of applications for various jobs every day. Begin by stating the position you’re interested in. Words such as: ‘This is with reference to…’, ‘I seek to apply for the post of…’, ‘I am writing to express my interest…’, and ‘I am interested in the post of…’ may also be used. The post, our beloved Rowdy Rathore is interested in, has recently been fallen vacant (the previous occupant died of asphyxiation by pepper spray in the parliament).

I wish to join the Goonda Party as I believe that politics is the way to go for a criminal looking to expand his business. Politicians, like you, have recently gained immense notoriety; putting veterans like us to shame. With regular parliamentary disruptions, the life of an elected politician is easy-going. A politician can rake in loads in scams, illegal land acquisitions and bribery. Where else should a hardened criminal go?

Comment: A cover letter must include your reason of applying to an organization. This may include why you want to apply. Write on how the job may benefit you. Include here what you seek to gain from the position. If applying to an IT firm, write how you wish to gain hands-on knowledge of the programming language. For a legal firm, write on how you seek to learn drafting and case-filing. When applying to a management consultancy firm explain how you want to experience working in a competitive environment while learning the nuances of the trade. At the Goonda Party, Rowdy Rathore is looking forward to do what our politicians do best: make money.

I am sure my previous experience as a rioter will help you greatly. Your Public Affray Department will benefit immensely from a bigot and vandal like me. As a Senior Criminal Conspirator, I am hoping to bring arms to the department. The Goonda Party currently employs hockey sticks to smash cars and beat the public. They could gain leverage from my expertise in arms. The elections too are in the offing. Goonda Party would be in dire need of liquor to bribe the poor. Given my existing liquor network, I could assure the party of a good supply of alcohol.

Comment: You explained to them who you are. You also told them why you want to apply. It’s time to conclude with how the recruiter may benefit from hiring you. Write how hiring you is more advantageous over the other dozen applications the recruiter has received. Our fellow Rowdy Rathore is offering booze to the recruiter. He has made an offer you can’t refuse.

I will be looking forward to rioting with Goonda Party.

Your partner-in-crime,
Rowdy Rathore

Attached:
1. 2 Chargesheets.
2. 1 Blank Cheque.

Never forget to include the relevant attachments. Obviously.

Note:

Our inexperienced Rowdy Rathore is new to applying for jobs and lacks understanding of the correct structure of a cover letter. Ideally, the letter should be in the following order:

1. Position you are interested in.
2. Who you are.
3. Why you want to apply (Describe here the area of expertise of the firm).
4. How the recruiter may benefit from choosing you.

Image Credits: http://www.commongunsense.com/2012_09_02_archive.html

Anmol Vashisht

About author: Anmol Vashisht is an aspiring lawyer. After repeated failed attempts at securing an internship, he was struck by Athena who taught him how to apply. 

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